CONNECTION

The ability to communicate is special. Sharing ideas, news, feelings, it’s all a gift. To speak and transfer thoughts from your mind and give it to someone else seems so trite, yet it’s what makes us human. To speak can be powerful. But, I can hide it.

I am an ambivert. Right in the middle of an extrovert and an introvert.

I struggle with this. Some days I cry and shout out with the crowds, receiving energy from amazing humans and other days I am drained and craving my world to be empty of people.

Some days I am shy and oh how I hate the feeling. Suddenly my mind is overthinking and I can’t form cohesive sentences and I’m shutting down inside and I can’t reach out to the people reaching out to me. It is suddenly scary to find somewhere to sit during lunch at school, impossible to say something entertaining, and awkward silence seems to be the loudest thing in my ear. I want to communicate, the very essence of connection, without the complication.

Some days I am confident and can lead in the banter effortlessly. I can speak to you first and I can ask the questions and give you the answers. I can make you laugh or I can make you cry. I want companionship, and the more the better. I want to be surrounded with people and be apart of the evidence of living. Suddenly I can be clingy and will miss your presence if you leave, so please don’t go.

Some days I embrace my shyness and feel comfortable being alone. Other days I despise it and feel incredibly lonely.  

I hate that my shyness holds me back from opportunities where I could be helping, learning, and growing.

Why am I scared?

This is why I’m scared. I’m scared of people not accepting me. I’m scared of the rejection I get when I realize they don’t want to get to know me, or that it will take a lot more effort to connect to someone. I’m fearful of the realization that they would rather speak with someone else than the awkward, silent, girl that I am. I’m scared that the things I do isn’t attractive, entertaining, or smart enough.

Pffft. And all of this is incredibly stupid. Why do I let other people make me feel this way? Why do I let myself be trapped in these thoughts? Why am I worried about mere humans? Social status, all the ranks we climb up, why do we consume our lives striving to reach titles that will merely fade away at our fingertips as soon as we touch them? The constant storm of worrying of the they that will always be there. They will talk, they will laugh, they will think, and they will hurt.

To get past this I must put upon myself a confidence that does not come from me. A confidence that knows it’s self worth, it’s value, it’s tremendous influence for good that it can have. A confidence that is beautifully meek.  Confidence that does not claim to be better than anyone else but is there to help everyone else.

I want connections without complications.

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